Because that kind of encouragement would have felt patronizing to him, were he receiving it. He didnt like the way I went to the gym when we went together. It can sometimes be really helpful to challenge yourself, whether thats to exercise more or read more or keep things cleaner around the house. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? I also just wanted to emphasize that what your boyfriend is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. I think you can tell dude that the things he is doing are not helping and that your therapist agrees with you (assuming therapist does and I think therapist is your number one go to about this) and also give him things he *can* do to help you when you are feeling down. That's the last thing you should do. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? Do you know whether his goals match up with your goals? But in my mind, thats a world away from dismissing the idea of comfort altogether. Ive seen it with Dan Savage, Dear Prudence, and lots of other people who offer advice in various forms of media. He may be feeling like he is missing out on his life and it is time to get back into the single life. You know that he is flirting with those other girls, even if you cant see him do it. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. This means that if you purchase a product through the link, we get a small commission at no cost to you. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. But now he doesnt seem interested in getting to know them or spending time with them. Sometimes its nice to have a gentle push towards a sincerely held goal, but getting mad at you for not meeting some standards that he made up? He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. What did you just say to me? If so, should I remind you in the morning? If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. My therapist is big on one thing at a time, and if the way I was going to get my paper done on time was by subsisting on the cookies I could reach from my bed, well hey, the papers done! He wasnt quite as patronizing, but he did have a tendency to give me the same advice over and over. 1) They're guilty and regretful about the breakup When a relationship ends, there's a lot of emotion that's at play. How To Get a Man to Commit: 4 Dos & 4 Donts, How To Make A Guy Want You? I hope others have advice too. If you were kind of hiding from them because you were depressed and have shame about how long its been, let it go. You can also use the online chat. What would you like me to do or say? We will come times ask specifics if I see you doing X or Y would you like me to say or do anything?, We will also talk about our fears: I dont want to come across as a nagging partner or like Im your mom, so Im comfortable saying this, but only once.. My thoughts are with you, LW! You didnt give details, but you did say that for much of your life, youve struggled with being constantly undermined. I wish Id seen the light a good couple of yeard before I did although I did find I had no guilt whatsoever or any what ifs as I had tried everything. Or at least he meant something. (Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Illuminatus!, [possibly mis]quoted from memory., So, heres the thing about exercise and depression: everyones mileage will vary on that. And remember you are AWESOME for taking care of yourself and making such good progress. Because cookies were next to my bed. Flags everywhere! But, don't nag him. And before you know it, you'll find yourself behaving like his loyal and obedient slave instead of an independent and happy girl who's dating a guy. Affection is not only limited to physical touch -- he may also avoid showing affection through words. This is sporadic enough that it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship (yet! ), how long would you live like this? Its also a thing that gets easier once youve done it. And thats the thing, I guess. Do you believe and trust that the struggling person is doing the best they can within their limitations, and treat them as the expert on their own life? Anger is a perfectly valid thing to feel when a partner is depressed, what really matters is what you do about it. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. He certainly doesnt track what Im eating / what exercise I am doing unless I ask him to make me accountable which only happens when I know I need that boot in the bum and cant justify a personal trainer. Asking this question can highlight how very much NOT his business some of the issues are while also clarifying if there *are* legitimate areas of discontent (Doing most of the housework is not working for me any more; can we talk about some chores you could take on?). My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. In the most recent invention, a group of university students in China created a kissing device that lets you make out with your partner from across the seas, country, or city. The human incarnation of depression is just what I was thinking. The idea of setting up a should about something like food or exercise for her and expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent. Despite that, I managed to meet a kindred spirit. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. There are many negative reactions a person can have when interacting with a depressed partner. Thats one form of love, I think: trusting the other person enough to let go and let them figure it out on their own. The important element? Belittling my feelings. He may have met someone new and is now taking her on dates, buying her gifts as well as making other gestures. He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. Agreed. That does not sound like respect. Im also in a place where I need to learn to feel good about myself and yet am in a home environment where I hear waaaay more criticism, scrutiny, and you should/shouldnts instead of support. Give him some space to take care of his things and do what he needs to do before you start making demands on how much time he should be spending with you or expecting that your relationship will always come first every single time without question. Sorry, it posted before I was done. What it shows is that, really, the storytellers have no idea what your problem works or feels like. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. And throughout this time, avoid distractions such as social media. You need to sit down (maybe with your therapist) and make an objective list of all the nice things he is, versus all the things that are hurting you. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: So much sympathy to the LW for trying to make this work on top of making themself happy. Is he happy? LW, if his advice and criticisms increase as you gain self esteem and do better, he may have real self esteem and control issues of his own. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. 2) said, Im going to [the gym, for a run, to walk the dog, to a coffee shop to get out of the apartment for a bit], want to come? And the accepted my yes or no WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? Even if he were good at this coaching thing (spoiler: hes not), he shouldnt be your coach. Responding to your partner asking you to stop trying to control them by telling them that their opinion is stupid is pretty emotionally abusive. You can also go to the civil route and try and sue him for it since it is in your name and belongs to you. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. Getty Images The Redditor wrote: "So I stopped him saying I'd appreciate. How does this affect you? is a lot nicer than what Id end up saying. I love it, but it doesnt agree with my boyfriend. Stating your boundaries might just bring his own discomfort into the open. Hi LW I havent read through the comments yet, so maybe this has been covered (probably it has, the Awkwardeers are brilliant), but I couldnt not weigh in on this because I have been where you are and it sucks, and now I am somewhere else where it sucks a whole lot less, so if you dont mind, perhaps a view from the other side would be helpful? Did they worry when you left the house in a revealing outfit? I focus on how each time he does so, its a good thing he is doing, and I am proud of him for it. I think it was the good Captain herself who referred to an ex as an interactive 3D display of how badly I was feeling about myself at the time. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) In hindsight a lot of stuff was terrible and controlling but because I was invested beilived what he said until there was no trust left at all and I had utterly tried everything to get him to listen. There doesnt have to be any malice or entitlement in it. Do either of you even know whether those goals are achievable? So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. True story: I knew I needed to break up with my exboyfriend when I started composing Captain Awkward letters in my head. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. Some people need their partner to be less than them so they feel secure. Jealousy is a range some people rarely get jealous and some people are constantly jealous (which, in general, is never a good thing). I have no idea if my dumping him finally gave him the kick in the pants he needed to dowell, anything (we havent talked since he moved his stuff out), but I can say my life improved drastically! But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. I think its easy for us to say DTMFA because we know none of the other persons good qualities. It says hes putting himself and his comfort ahead of your joint comfort together, and also your personal comfort and enjoyment of your own life. Does your therapist think that this is normal and helpful behavior? I feel so much better and so much stronger. You can get this functionality for treadmills and ellipticals, too; if anyone is looking for home exercise equipment and if you can swing it, I wholeheartedly recommend it. What I was thinking in any way life and it is time to get back the... 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